Struggles & joys of being a single parent

Welcome back!  It's been awhile since my first post, but with good reason...  The SingleAgDaddy isn't going to be so single anymore:)  More on that later.

Now that you know my story, it's time to talk about some of the struggles and joys of being a single parent, let alone a single parent in agriculture.  Believe me, the ups and downs faced with children that have both parents seem to be amplified when only one parent is present.  You do everything on you own.  From making breakfast in the morning to tucking her in at night, it was just me.  As I mentioned in my first post, I am incredibly blessed to have had, and still have, such a wonderful support system.  These people have made an unmeasurable impact on Ellie that will last the rest of her life.

From the time that Ellie started living with me full-time up until just before my first post, I was employed by the local John Deere dealer as an AMS specialist/consultant.  So not only did I have farming to do with my dad year round with row crops and cattle after normal hours at work; I also had to work extra hours in the spring and fall to assist growers with their GPS needs.  There were a couple other guys and I that covered probably a 7 or 8 county area.  The bragging rights were who had the most phone calls on the first day of planting, and we quickly found out that the iPhones had a capacity of 100 calls in the recent calls list.  This mark was easily surpassed by 10 or 11am.  As you can imagine, most nights during planting and harvest I would either pick up Ellie from daycare (She had an AWESOME daycare lady!  Thank you sooooo much Miss Colleen!) and drop her off with my mom, or my mom would have to pick her up because I would be in somebody's tractor or combine an hour away.  There were also plenty of nights that Ellie went to bed without me getting to tuck her in, and lots of mornings that I would already be gone before she got up.

Things changed somewhat for the better when she started kindergarten, because this meant I had to wait for the bus to pick her up in the mornings before I could start my day away from home.  There were a few days that I would drop her off at mom and dad's for the bus to pick her up there, but not as much as before.  Also, John Deere would hold dealer training sessions across the country, so it wasn't out of the ordinary to hop on a plane and be gone for a few days at a time.  It was enough that I sure got tired of traveling pretty quick! 

Other than too many work hours and some traveling, there were some emotionally hard times as well.  I always struggled with the thoughts of "Am I a good dad?," "Am I teaching her the right the things in the right way?," "How do I do this?,"  "How do I do that?"  I can remember all of this building up and coming to a head one Sunday morning before church.  I don't think either of us slept well the night before, and we were running late (a usual occurrence for us at that time).  She wasn't complying with any of my requests and just really dragging things out and being a little drama queen.  This was so unlike her!  I just couldn't take it anymore and I had a major moment of weakness.  I completely broke down, smacked the wall in frustration, and just sank onto the floor in tears.  I felt helpless.  I felt overwhelmed.  I didn't think I could do it anymore.  Of course Ellie saw me and she started crying, so we cried together.  What a pitiful sight!  A 6'4" man sitting on the floor crying with a 4 year old little girl wrapped up in an elephant towel.  Maybe she had enough as well?  Maybe she didn't think she could live without her mother?  I have no idea what does on in a young child's mind, but I can promise you they are more aware than we might think.  Anyway, on to the good stuff!

One good thing about me being gone or working insane hours is that it truly made me appreciate what I had at home.  I made sure to never miss a call when I was out of town, and sometimes mom would bring Ellie (and much appreciated dinner) to the field.  On the weekends when I could be home for fieldwork during the day, I sometimes found myself with a pretty darn cute little rider for a couple of hours!  The only difficult part was not having autosteer in the combine.  You try cutting beans with with one hand while the other keeps your daughter's head from bobbing around because she fell asleep!

Another good thing about being a single parent is you get to set your own rules and morals, which was a blessing in my case.  At Ellie's mom's house, I am sure there are rules, but I don't know if the down-home morals are taught there.  Her mother has definitely permanently broken bonds with members of her immediate family.  The reasons range from not paying on borrowed money, not paying on co-signed items such as a house and vehicle, and probably just being an all-around not good person.  This amazes me because there was never any drug or alcohol abuse.  At my house, Ellie is taught to respect adults, obey rules, etc.  I thought I was doing a good job of this, but my eyes were opened by another's perspective recently.  Turns out I don't know everything and my way just mayyyy not always be the best way.  Who would've thought!

I know those were only a couple of examples for the joys of being a single parent, but believe me, we don't have enough time or space to list all of the joys that come along with this wonderful privilege of being a parent.  I fear that her little girl moments are almost over.  She will be 8 in May, and this will probably be her last Christmas of fully believing in Santa and some of the Christmas magic.  I don't know how much longer she is going to play with Barbies, talk to her stuffed animals, and have that sweet innocence to her.  Although I know one chapter is coming to a close for us (This is so difficult to type and you can't imagine the huge lump in my throat right now!), I know another one is going to be starting soon.  I am so grateful that God has allowed me to be a part of her life!

Speaking of chapters in our lives, Ellie and I are getting ready to start another one.  You know, the one I briefly mentioned at the beginning of this post!  We have been so very fortunate for a special woman to come into our lives:)  More on that in the next post!

Thank you for reading!!!