Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, always asks how in the world I got custody of my daughter when they find out that it's just her and I. Usually, I give them the short version because I have repeated the story countless times. Be forewarned: I'm about to give you the long version!
I got divorced from Ellie's mother in May of 2007. And just so you know, if you ever want to get divorced in a hurry, do it in Illinois. No waiting period! I had no idea how emotionally devastating divorce would be. I experienced so many emotional swings. Up and down, up and down. I tried to save the marriage as long as I could because I couldn't imagine Ellie not being in my daily life. I always saw other divorced dads just getting their kids every Wednesday and every other weekend. Some even less than that. Finally, I made the decision to file for divorce because I wanted Ellie to grow up in a happier environment. I made sure I always saw her as much as possible and soaked up every minute of our time together. In the beginning, I lived about an hour from her, and then her mom moved to the same town. I had now had even more time with Ellie.
After about a year of living in Evansville, IN, I had all that I could stand of city life. I had two classes to finish my degree at Purdue University, the economy had tanked, and nobody it seemed could find a good paying job. I decided that it was time to come back home and finish my degree. So in March of 2008, I headed back north to Montgomery County. I worked at a local co-op and on our family's farm until the fall semester. Things were busy with 18 hours of class, harvest, and plowdown fertilizer and lime in full swing. Even through all of that, I never skipped any of my time with Ellie. I had to do all of the driving, so I would spend 7-8 hours driving to get her and back on a Friday night and then again to take her home on a Sunday afternoon. Thank you to my mom who made the drive a couple of times when things were really busy!
There was one weekend that I didn't get Ellie, and it was in one of those busy crunch times of farming. Mom went after Ellie for me, but when she arrived at Ellie's mother's home, nobody would answer the door. Ellie's mom had texted me earlier that she wouldn't hand over our daughter to anybody but me. If any of you know my mother, then you know how ridiculous it was of her to make that statement. So mom went to the Sheriff's Dept, got a deputy, and tried again. We knew they were home because mom saw Ellie's older half-sister look out the window, and I could tell from texts that they were indeed home. After mom tried to get Ellie a second time with the deputy watching, it was enough for a report to be filed if needed. Mom had to come home empty handed. Right after she started the drive back north, I received a text from Ellie's mom saying "hahahahahaha!!!!" What a bitch!
In December of 2008, I started seeing Ellie more than my scheduled time. She would stay with me for an extra day, then two, then three, then a week at a time. Finally I filed for custody. It wasn't your typical surprise filing. I had planted thoughts of Ellie living up her in her mother's mind for a few months, and it was beginning to pay off. They weren't for my own selfish reasons, but for Ellie. She did so well up here, and you could just see her thriving every time she came up. I knew what kind of a person her mother was (still is), and I didn't want my child growing up learning to be like her mother. Her mother, just so you know, is a narcissist. She doesn't love anything as much as she loves herself. She cares about tanning, working out, getting her hair done, and having shiny things. Normally it's ok to do those things and have those things, because most people work for them. If that's how they choose to spend their money, fine. But she doesn't work for it. She takes advantage of other people to get what she wants. She emptied out her first husband, then did the same to me. After we were divorced, she took her own grandma for probably around $40,000, and she also stole her mom's credit cards. She has several people suing her for unpaid rent, judgements, foreclosure, and is even being sued over a dog that she didn't completely pay for. She has also driven a vehicle for that last few years that her grandma cosigned for, but has never made the first payment on it. Poor grandma has made every payment:(
Now do you see why I didn't want Ellie to learn to be like her mother? I hope this doesn't come off as some kind of juvenile trash-talking like you see on facebook. I meant for that to be descriptive so you realize where I am coming from. I sincerely hope none of you have anybody in your life like this. The sad thing is that she can can be a good mom. She always had her kids well dressed, clean, and made sure they ate healthy. I've even seen moments of niceness in her. I don't understand where all of the negatives come from, but they are there. Even though I do not love her, and would never want her to be a part of my life again, I truly hope she can find some sort of help for the sake of her children.
Stay with me folks! We're almost there!
So after I filed for custody, Ellie's mom put up a little bit of a battle, but we never had to go in front of a judge for a hearing. She and I basically worked it out through our attorneys. I would ask her what she wanted, then have my attorney put in into an agreed order to enter into the court. This had to be redone several times before her mom would sign off, but we got it done. I think the biggest thing in the agreement was for her not to pay me any child support.
I would also like to take this opportunity to thank my attorney who worked on this case. If you are reading this, thanks again. You kept me calm and made me realize a few things during that process. I am forever grateful for your work and I'm very proud to call you a friend even though I never see you or your family. But great Christmas card!!!:) If you ever need a good attorney in the Evansville area, follow the link to this firm: Ziemer, Stayman, Weitzel, & Shoulders, LLP
So. In February of 2009, I officially was awarded custody. Ever since then, her mom has slowly been backing out of Ellie's life. She has seen her about half of her scheduled time. Even a phone call to her daughter is rare. We even only live an hour apart again, but the effort to see Ellie is just not there. In August of 2011, she signed over custody of her oldest daughter to her father as well.
I can't tell you how much Ellie has enriched my life. She is on my mind when I make the smallest of decisions. Should I go out of town for the weekend? Should I even have a night to myself? I'm still learning to balance personal time with Ellie time, but I really feel like I have gotten pretty well at it! It's a learning process, and I'm afraid to say that I will probably never have being a father mastered. I do know that I will always give Ellie my best though, and that is what matters.
I'm so lucky to have such a sweet girl! She hasn't given me one major problem, but the teenage years will be here before I know it! Let's just hope the sweetness, kindness, sharing, being empathetic, and her all around little happiness continues for a long, long time.
Thank you for reading, and I apologize for the choppiness of this post. It's late, but I wanted to get this done so we can move onto some good stuff!!!
-Joe
After thought... A friend reminded me of the song "Highway 20 Ride" by the Zac Brown Band. She was absolutely right. That song brings back so many vivid memories from those drives!
The life and times of a single dad in the ever-evolving world of production agriculture
